Second time round, first time dad

There seems to be a phenomena that people don't tell you about until AFTER the event - one of those things I wish I knew about so I could look out for it and be aware.  And I realised after telling another friend about it (after the event) that I had fallen into the trap of passing on the info too late too!  So I thought I'd write this entry now in hope you'll read BEFORE the event and you'll be more prepared than I was ...

What is this phenomena I talk about?  However wonderful and involved and great hubby/partner is first time round, something goes aray second time round and it just isn't the same ... in fact, there's a noticeable problem in the first few weeks whereby hubby/partner doesn't do anything.  And by this I mean, literally anything!  The only people I know (and there's quite a few) who have second children already have all experienced this.  Hubby struggles to make it to the post box without a million reminders, forgets to feed first child when asked and has a total meltdown if a little washing is requested.  I am not a psychiatrist, but through talking with friends and family, it seems to be linked to them feeling a bit lost and a little left out of things.  They see you having to get on with the day, feeding, changing etc new baby, and dealing with first child.  And they just feel a bit out of it all.  I know that for a number of second-time-round-new-dads they certainly didn't bond with new baby as quickly as they did with no1 and this worried them.  It drove me mad when after 2 weeks said-hubby was annoyed baby no 2 wasn't settling in the evenings and wondered 'what was wrong with her' - there is a definite issue of 'rose tinted glasses' second time round. 

BUT, I have to say, if you can recognise it and address it, things can get sorted pretty quickly.  You know the old adage of communication is the key - it definitely is in this situation! 

I got really pissed off when we were thinking about no 2 and hubs spoke to a couple of mates (who shall remain nameless!) who said that they regretted having a second.  It put a right spanner in the works for a bit until we decided we'd make it work better than these blokes had - but maybe these guys are still in the 'feeling left out' and 'feeling a bit lost' stages - they haven't found their way out of this yet. 

So, my advice would be not to address it too quickly (as husband may be too defensive if you act all knowledgeable about his 'issues'!!) but softly mention through week 2 (if you see there's a bit of a problem) and by week 3 definitely address with a harsher worded conversation.  They need to buck up, put up and get sorted - you've had to, so they bloody should too!! 

I have to say, things have been awesome since - definitely worth bearing in mind!